To help a son

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To help a son

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You also note that Dr. Marsha Linehan, the founder of dialectical-behavior therapy , classified the disorder into five areas of dysregulation.

Can you briefly describe these categories? Q: You say that BPD, at its core, is an emotional problem.

Why are people with BPD so much more emotional than others? Our emotional sensitivity is something that is hardwired into us.

Some people are more emotional than others. People with BPD are usually among the most emotionally sensitive people.

Anyone who is emotionally sensitive must have skills to regulate those intense emotions. Skills are learned not hardwired.

Margarita Tartakovsky, M. In addition to writing about mental disorders, she blogs regularly about body and self-image issues on her Psych Central blog, Weightless.

Psych Central. All rights reserved. Find help or get online counseling now. By Margarita Tartakovsky, M. People with BPD are manipulative.

We have found that it is not effective to be judgmental of clients or each other. If you think you are being manipulated, you will be defensive in your responses to the person whom you think is manipulating you.

You will act to protect yourself and not out of wisdom. Besides, as we tell our clients, the problem is that people with BPD are not artful at manipulating.

These can include going fishing, hiking, or camping with your dad, or going for walks, going out to the movies, or having a nice meal with your mother.

Spend the holiday season cooking together. Do a housework project with your mom or dad, such as tiling floors, glazing furniture, or even building a bookshelf.

Find a TV show that you and your parents can watch and enjoy together and make it part of your weekly routine. Try volunteering at a local park or library with your parents.

Go to watch your favorite sports team with your mom or dad. Take the time to listen. You may think that your relationship with your parents is one-sided, and that they should listen to you and your problems and offer advice and then call it a day.

They may not even have a problem, but may just want to share something interesting that happened at work or something they read.

When your parents are talking to you, give them your full attention. Part 2 of Help out around the house without being asked.

You may have a set list of chores to do or there may just be a general understanding that you will help your parents out when they need it. Whatever the rules are in your own household, you should take the initiative and help out your folks even before they ask for it.

Whether this means washing your dishes, doing your own laundry, mowing the lawn, or picking up groceries, you should make a point of helping out without being forced to or without expecting a reward, because that is one of your duties as a son.

The least you can do is to always clean up after yourself, whether this means doing your own laundry or dishes or keeping your room clean.

But after that, you should go above and beyond and help scrub the bathroom floor, take out the trash, or even clean out the fridge.

Do as well in school as you can. However, they would be happy if you respected your teachers, did your homework, and kept your grades up to the best of your ability.

If you need help in school, ask your teachers or your parents for help, and make studying a priority over socializing. Not only will this set you on a path to succeed in your future endeavors, but it will also make life much easier for your parents.

The best you can do is to respect your learning institution instead of playing hooky or complaining about it all the time.

Establish your independence. This will help you develop strong character and will make you a better son. Your parents will appreciate it if you learn to do things on your own, from making your own meals to cleaning up on your own initiative.

Your foresight will help them out a lot. Be kind to your siblings. One of the best things you can do to be a good son and a good brother is to be kind to your siblings.

This will not only help you be a good role model to your siblings, but it will help your parents out more than you know.

You can also be a good son by helping your siblings do their schoolwork, clean up, or learn basic skills. This will give your parents some more time to relax.

Know when to agree to disagree. As you grow older and develop your own personality and ideals, you may find that you and your parents fundamentally disagree about many things.

Maybe your parents are devout Catholics while you struggle to believe in a higher power. Maybe your parents are conservative while you identify as a liberal.

The important thing to keep in mind is not that you have to agree with everything your parents believe, but that you have to know how to respectfully disagree with them instead of starting a fight over every little difference you may have.

Learn to see your parents as people. Take some time to consider how busy and overwhelming life can be for your parents, and consider how certain difficult situations may make them feel before you start an argument or protest too much.

The next time you have a fight with one of your parents, try to see the situation from his or her perspective to see if it gives you a better understanding of why they disagree with you.

This can help strengthen your relationship and will give you a deeper understanding of who your parents really are. To see them as people, you can also ask them questions about their friends, their job, their childhood, or anything else that will shed some light on who they are.

Part 3 of Communicate with your parents as often as you can. Remember anniversaries and birthdays. Studies show that parents are the most happy when their own adult children are happy in their lives.

If every time you talk to your parents, all you do is complain about your job, romantic life, or living situation, then they will begin to think that they have failed you by giving you a bad life.

Ask for and accept help when you need it. You may feel like your parents will be disappointed if you ask for financial, or even for emotional support as an adult, but studies actually show that parents are happy to provide support to their children.

This will keep your relationship strong and will allow you to grow up, too. As you get older, you may have the temptation to tell your parents how to live their lives.

While they may need your support as they get older, especially if they have trouble taking care of themselves, you should still try not to condescend to them or make them feel like they are helpless on their own.

Give them the help they need without talking down to them or acting like they have no agency, and they will love you for it.

Avoid condescending to them, nagging them, or giving them a hard time for doing something their own way. Be patient with them. Treat them as fellow adults.

This can help you discuss topics like finances or child rearing on an even playing field, and may lead you to get some great advice.

Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Think before you talk! Every single word coming from your mouth affects them.

If your son is suicidal, intervene by contacting a doctor or emergency medical service, despite his wishes.

Help your son recognize the good things in life. According to Dr. Steve Bressert, it is beneficial to help your son slowly rediscover the joys of life.

This can be done by serving as a diversion e. Bressert notes that while you want to push your son, you do not want to push him to do too much too quickly.

Help to create a low stress environment. You can help reduce the symptoms of depression by ensuring that your son engages in a regular routine and otherwise minimizes stress.

This includes following a regular schedule for meals and sleep. You may also help your son stay organized so that he does not experience the stress associated with clutter and chaos.

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People with BPD are usually among the most emotionally sensitive people. Anyone who is emotionally sensitive must have skills to regulate those intense emotions.

Skills are learned not hardwired. Margarita Tartakovsky, M. In addition to writing about mental disorders, she blogs regularly about body and self-image issues on her Psych Central blog, Weightless.

Psych Central. All rights reserved. Find help or get online counseling now. By Margarita Tartakovsky, M. People with BPD are manipulative. We have found that it is not effective to be judgmental of clients or each other.

If you think you are being manipulated, you will be defensive in your responses to the person whom you think is manipulating you.

You will act to protect yourself and not out of wisdom. Besides, as we tell our clients, the problem is that people with BPD are not artful at manipulating.

Really skillfully manipulative people get what they want from others without them knowing they are being manipulated.

People with BPD get caught. People with BPD do not really want to die when they attempt suicide. Depending on the research, and the severity of the disorder 8 to 11 percent of people with BPD die by suicide.

Their lives are agony and they often want to escape the pain of their lives. Sometimes they do so by trying to completely end the pain with suicide; other times, they get temporary relief with other behaviors, e.

Their learning history has been one of losing relationships, often because of their extreme behaviors. There have been several studies done and it appears that four to 15 percent of stalkers were diagnosed with BPD.

It is important to remember that some percent of stalkers may meet criteria for BPD but stalking is not a characteristic of BPD. Very few people with BPD become stalkers.

I have never met a person with BPD who wanted to be emotionally and behaviorally out of control. The problem is that change is really hard for all of us and doubly maybe triply hard for people who are emotionally sensitive.

Think of a behavior that you wanted to change quitting smoking, exercising, dieting. Think of all of the times you failed.

People with BPD are uncaring and only think of themselves. They get a reputation for only thinking of themselves when they get distressed and engage in behaviors that cause harm to their relationships overcalling, over-texting, showing up when not invited.

However, they feel an extreme amount of guilt and shame about the effects of their behavior on others. So, we had quality time together every week and one weekend a month.

Consider registering your son as a Boy Scout and then get involved as an adult Scouter volunteer —or try another activity together that you can both be involved in.

These structured experiences create opportunities to grow closer. Take on a big project. There is something magical to a boy about being involved in something bigger than himself.

That is one reason I enjoy working with my sons on their Eagle Scout projects. But these big, visible projects can really help strengthen a father and son bond.

For my dad and I, it was rebuilding a couple of car engines and putting vehicles back in operation. Some dads and sons build planter boxes, landscape a backyard, build a vacation cabin or head off on a big summer biking vacation.

Whatever it is, a bigger than life project done together can create a bond that will last a long time and make memories you will talk about together for decades.

Listen to your sons. Men seem in general to struggle with effective communication. I find that I always have a tendency to listen for just a minute or two before I decide what the problem is and then I go about creating a fix.

Starting from the earliest ages of our sons to listen to them without judgment and without trying to fix things too soon will go a long way to building a lasting relationship.

Look for opportunities to be with your sons when you can just listen. Fishing together, going to a sporting event, or taking a road trip can all be effective ways to create a listening environment.

Don't be afraid of the big talk. Take the time to teach your sons about sex and relationships. Being open to having these conversations will help your sons develop better attitudes about sex and romantic partners in general.

With the ever-increasing presence of sex in the media, on the computer and in conversations with their friends, you will find your relationship not as strong as it could be if you avoid talking about these difficult subjects and let them develop their attitudes about sex and relationships from other sources who may not share your values.

Focus on the positives. Our children are bombarded with negative messages all around them. Just watching commercials on television will create a sense of inadequacy in our sons.

They probably are not quite as strong, they may not have six pack abs, or be quite as good looking as the guys they see on television.

As fathers, we need to catch them doing things right and communicate our approval. We should create positive ways to celebrate their accomplishments.

Feeding them constant reinforcement will help build relationships of trust and overcome this constant barrage of negativism that they confront daily.

Make one-on-one time. We need to make time for individual relationships with each child. So make sure that you program some one on one time with your sons.

My youngest son loves basketball, and we spent many hours shooting hoops in the driveway in the evenings after dinner.

My oldest son loved debate in high school , so I learned enough to be a debate judge and went with him to speech and debate tournaments all over the state.

Some of our best memories were sitting together in a high school or on the bus going to and from debate events. Focus on the spiritual. Helping a son be grounded spiritually is an important role for a father.

Whatever your faith tradition, help your son understand the deeper meaning of life. If you don't have a faith tradition, help him reach for his inner self and try to have a perspective that will help him look at things deeper than on the surface.

As a young man gets in tune with nature, God and himself, he will have a pattern in his life that will help him endure hardship and thrive personally.

Fathers can have these conversations with their sons in a natural way as they share thoughts and feelings about life, manhood, and spiritual things.

Focusing on our sons, spending positive time together and talking about life lessons, scattered with a large dose of quiet and engaged listening , will help fathers and sons develop nurturing and meaningful relationships and help our sons form attitudes which will allow them to develop into men in the richest sense of that term.

To Help A Son

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